Friday, January 12, 2018

Life's But A Deal

Here comes another frustration post. But first, let me tell you an event.

Of late I was invited by an overly friendly aunty to one of her organization's weekly meetings. After I attended their meeting, I felt like my third eye was opened. It is something I have never seen before, that was the feedback I gave during the feedback session, an eye-opener.

So what is BNI? 
It is an American franchised networking organization which allows you to do business with the members only. These members, are all from different industries, and 1 industry only allows 1 representative, in other words you cannot have 2 bakers in the group. So it's like you can only have 1 accountant, 1 architect, 1 florist etc...Ok, you get the idea. So far so good?

So how does BNI work?
Once you join, it is compulsory for you to attend their weekly meeting, in this case it is every Wednesday lunch time. Before the meeting officially begins, they have lunch, which also doubles as a networking session. After the lunch, they'll start their meeting. So here's part of the agenda, everyone introduces themselves and their business services, it was limited to 30 seconds, some of them got a lil bit carried away. Then, there's product/service demo, each week different. This week it's a cleaning agent. Then there's report session from everybody, 1 by 1, they have to announce how many sales they made, how many referrals they've received or going to give some to anyone specific, and how many 1-2-1 (one to one meet up) they have done ALL within the past week.

So this overly friendly aunty told me a bit how it works and wanted me to be part of it. She said that in business world, is all about I help you, you help me. I support your products/service, you do the same. In other words, it's all about a deal.

Their yearly member fee is RM2000++, plus you have to pay RM25 during each meeting. So that's like RM3000++ per year. The number shocked me. One of the manager kept on convincing me that I should join cause I'll be getting many business from this group of people, which is about 50 of them. He also said there will be another baker who wants this position as well, and coincidentally this so called "baker" is also named Winnee.  Remember the 1 industry 1 representative rule? Oh, I met a Lok Yuk senior there, he said when he first join, they also told him another guy will be competing against him for the limited industry position. That is so obvious this is their tactic to let people join. Plus, when they say only allowed 1 person allowed from 1 industry, I notice some have more than 1.

It really sounded lucrative at first, but then, as I put more thoughts into it, I don't think this is a good business opportunity. Firstly, I'm not sure I can cover the cost of the yearly membership fee, secondly, I don't wanna do business like this! I don't wanna report how many business I've made, whose business favours I've returned, how many referrals I made and whom I've met personally EVERY WEEK. I can't imagine how pressured I will be after joining. I think it will be scary and tense.

So in the end, I had to say no.

Here's my point. this organization and the overly friendly aunty made me realized that this is how things work in the business world, I didn't fully see this before because I was too young and naive. I mean in the woman's group that I join, we did do business with each other, it's just that it wasn't that extreme, we DIDN'T HAVE TO SPELL OUT EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE EVERY WEEK. This BNI just opened my eye about the subtle yet pivotal rule of business - reciprocate. 

What I've learnt is when they do business with you, they have an expectation from you. They either expect you to do something for them, buy their products/services or support their causes. We are living in a realistic world where there is no such thing as I'm going to give you money/stuff for free. When I supported you, you have to support me. That's what the overly friendly aunty said. She stopped supporting her another baker friend cause the friend didn't reciprocate the favour, and that's why she turned to me to bake things for her. Now I'm worried that I have to do the same. I realized that when people helps you, mostly they have a hidden agenda. Either you have to join my organizations, come to my church, or buy my products.

I remembered so well there was this 1 aunty from the association, we barely knew each other and she already bought my cake. I was so happy. The next time we met during an open house, she dragged me to a corner and started to sell all her expensive oils. FYI, some of those oils did not smell good at all. Another time, after this aunty bought a cake from me, she makes me join her investment thing, and then spams me with stocks info EVERY single day. Thank God Hallelujah Praise The Lord, she stopped sending already. Another aunty, after buying my pies, wants me to join her tupperware club. 

You know when I realized this I never felt so betrayed, naive and stupid.

Aunties, it's not that I don't want to support you back, it's just that first, you make me feel uncomfortable by being fake, you bought my cakes not because you want to taste it, it's because you want things from me. Secondly, your products/services is way too expensive. You bought my RM75 cake, then I need to invest up to thousands in your oils or whatsoever. If I did that, I'll be spending more money than earning. This is what BNI do, except that they are strictly business, they have no charities or dinner parties, just pure business, literally let's get down to business.

And I also realized that RECIPROCATE doesn't only apply in business, it happens in our daily lives too. For example, all those missionaries who claimed themselves going into the far inland to do good stuff, you think they do all these for free? No. They expect you to hear their faith and want to convert you.

You know what, I don't think there is such thing as selfless good deed. Talking about this, I just wanna say, I've seen so many fake people and sadly I've becoming one of them. The other association that I join, when they do charity, they need to tell everyone about it, they need a journalist or a reporter to be present, they need tons and tons of photographs or videos to be taken. See, they are doing this not ENTIRELY for the cause or to make them feel good, they are doing it partly because of the PUBLICITY, and perhaps to earn a title of datuk in the future. And I hate to say this, but that's fake charity. A genuine charity doesn't need a reporter to report it to the whole world, with few coloured pages some more. Let me tell you, some of these aunties really like to take pictures.

Oh I don't know, right now, I'm so afraid to accept businesses from anyone. I declined one aunty and I think she hates me now. I'm really afraid of commitment, I can't do that, even with my once in every 2 weeks toastmaster meeting, I'm also having problems to commit. Ohhh, why can't I just sell things without having to worry that you'll pressure me into supporting your stuff. If it's convenient for me or free plus I'm in good mood, I don't really mind. But if it requires me to commit every week and cost a fortune, I'm sorry I really cannot. 

We have to admit it, life is but a deal, isn't it?

P.S. I really need to finish writing my China trip. Ohhh, it felt like an assignment cause I need to recall a lot of things, do a lot of researches, making sure that all the facts are true. Damn perfectionist. The worst part is, the more I procrastinate, the more I forget. I'm slowly forgetting a lot of things, now I only depend on pictures to ring some bells. Writing a frustration post is entirely different, all I had to do was express my feelings. Hope I'll finish it by this weekend. And those who are still following my blog, I just wanna say thanks for reading. This blog is all about how I feel about things, so it'll naturally be a bit negative. Anyway, thanks and have a good day.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Happy Happy Birthday

I realized that this had become a frustration blog, well that's what my doctor told me to do. Writing it down will make me feel better. Anyhow, this is my first post, let's start something with a little bit positive shall we?

Just wanna say, my 24th birthday was full of blessings and I'm really grateful for it.

Let's start with last year. On the 30th, I was invited by Teh's mum to join her house church year end potluck party, thanks aunty Vivian for ordering the little apams and the cheese tarts.

What a nice warm gathering.

Little apams with blueberry fillings loved by Teh and the children. 
Some of my love shapes changed shape ><!

Various flavour cheese tarts. Blueberry, green tea, chocolate, plain and purple potato.

Thank you for the magic pillow Teh and aunty Vivian! 
Nice catching up with you after a long long time.
I'm sorry I can't make it to your weekly house church meeting, but whenever I'm not dancing, I'll try my best to go and kawan you kay, my friend. Take care of little rabbit.

Next, this time our gang planned something a little bit different for the countdown, something I would say a bit more adult. We had our countdown at Hard Rock cafe. Overpriced drinks and very loud noise. Great new year vibe but not a suitable place for chatting. So we ended up shouting at each other and texting. Fun! It's really great that some of you would take the initiative to jio everyone, and everyone was really cooperative in giving feedbacks on the venue and all that. Kudos to the organizer. I know how troublesome it is to organize this type of thing (that's why I don't really do it anymore). I enjoyed the night. It was my first night out until so late, 3am. But we were very good kids, we hang out at McD after that. No bad things going on just havin a really nice catch up with the bunch, except for one guy who started to talk a lot of crap after two big glass of beer. =) 

I just wanna say thanks to Sharon, Marilyn and Janet for the lovely fruity scent bath set gift. I myself never pamper my body that much. Now I can literally butter up my whole body with that set of indulgence. Thanks guys. 

And the forever generous Mr. Tuang, thanks for the treat. 
You've treated me on 2 birthdays. Thanks mate. 

I had another wonderful meet up with these peeps. Clarice, I gotta say your gift tops it all. I can't believe you found the old teacher's day card with my drawing!!! You should totally keep it you know. It's so valuable, it can't be found anywhere else anymore and thanks for the big ang pao aunty Clarice. That is the most aunty type of gift I have ever received from my same age peer. As for the love birds on the left, I'll get back to you later.

What are the odds that your birthday falls exactly on a toastmaster meeting? Yeap that's right, mine is and I had to give a speech on that day as well. But it wasn't that bad, I ended up celebrating it with these bunch of awesome toastmasters. It was my first! BTW some of these aunties didn't know how to pose love shape.

Thank you everyone for singing birthday song for me. 
When some of them found out that I am only 24, they were shocked.

A simple chocolate cake with chocolate whipped cream and chocolate ganache birthday cake for the baker herself.

Ok, now back to the couple, while I was busy toastmastering and celebrating, sneaky Santa Claus and Santarina drove all the way to my house and tried to drop a present at my front door. When I got home, dad said I got a present! I was like What? Who? How? When? He said ada 2 budak datang, satu laki-laki, satu perempuan, I immediately thought of you two. And my guess was absolutely right! Thank you sooooo soooo much Yee Fei and Josiah for the thoughtful present.

So these are all the wonderful presents I received so far. My mum still owes me one cause she said she's afraid I'm not gonna like the design. *cough* Swarovski *cough*

The little rabbit is a gift from myself, she has a twin which now resides in another house. The pink pillow is from Teh, I called it the magic pillow cause it can change colour when you brush your finger over it. That's the strawberry scent body bath gift set from Sharon, Janet and Marilyn. (it's time to take a bath!) That's 2 cookbooks from Santa Claus and Santarina who also bought me a thousand layer cake. Yum! That's the teacher's day card/drawing that I drew using a computer software 10 years ago (OMG, it's been a decade!). A big ang pao from Aunty Clarice. And lastly Madam Hanaa from toastmaster who gave me the ferrero roche. 

Thank you guys once again for remembering my birthday. I finally knew what it meant by having a blast.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017


I read an article recently about a man got divorced because he refused to wash his glass and it hit me right into the feels.

There was one week my mum went to Kelantan for an event. For that one whole week, I realized something very disturbing and frustrating. I'm taking over her place.

In that one week, I did all the chores. I bought groceries, I cooked, I made sure the house was clean.
At that moment, I felt like I'm being a mother for the 2 men in my house.

I did everything. I am becoming a mother and I don't like it.
This is why I was so afraid of losing my mom. Because I would automatically be doing what she had been doing for the past 20 years.

Let me tell you how the men in my family behaved.
Cooking a full meal is not an easy task, especially with no one to help with the preparation or doing the dishes after that. The 2 men came home, sit down, finished their own plate, left and wash their own plate. So what happened to all the pots and woks? The chef did it. Not only the chef needs to prepare and cook and serve, she has to CLEAN as well. Talking about serving, this 2  men are like the king, they need to be invited to dinner. All they had to do, especially the older one, was sit down and eat, just like he's in a restaurant. Then there's a waitress to pick up his plate. That waitress is my mother.

Did they say anything about the food? Nope. Did they say thank you? Nope.

Nvm that one. I was already tired cooking and washing ONLY to see the laundry still there. I asked my brother to lipat kain, his response 等下, later.

I took my bath, I came out, the laundry was still there. 
Can you imagine that boiling sensation inside me.

My mum always said, why not do it yourself rather than asking them to do, since they won't do it. She said don't ask my father to do it cause he is already tired from driving all day. Well you have been working all day too! 

That's the problem with my mum, she's not only being a mother to us, but also a mother to her husband, which I really hate to see. And her husband let her do all the things. I don't like it when my mother picked up her husband's plate after he finished. He's got hands and legs. All he did was drive all day. He then came home with a full meal waiting for him and a servant to serve and wash his plate. I don't get it mum, why do you have to do this. You are not his servant or his mum. 

The 2 men in family don't know how to appreciate the women. And my mum let them do that to her for the past 20 years. Because both of them are 木头, a big big 木头。

When I went to buy groceries, my brother would wait in the car, just like his dad. He didn't care if the things I carried was heavy or not. Last time when we go to the fishmonger to buy fish, you know what my dad said, he said the place very BAU, he didn't want to go inside. So he let my mum did all the fish hunting at that place he called BAU. But when he eats the fish, it wasn't BAU at all!!!!!

I've seen my friends parents buying groceries together at the wet market at Lido and Putatan. How come their husband never complained about the foul smell of the place? How come the husbands are considerate enough to help carry the heavy groceries? How come both my brother and father NEVER DID THAT?!

Once I asked my brother to help me to wash my cake utensils because I was already tired making 2 cakes. He saw the sink and his yelled at me 酱多?!

Damn, your mum and I have been cooking and washing all the dishes and the pots and pans, we never complained 酱多?!You ate the cakes and pizzas I made, who do you think washes all the utensils? A servant?! ME and your MOTHER, you dumbass!

My mum got so tired of asking the two men doing things for her, so she'd rather do it all by herself. Why can't you guys automatically do things without us telling you what and when to do it. Both of you are grown up men. I don't want to be the next mother. I LOATHE it to the bones. That's why I'm so afraid of losing my mum. My mum thinks I'm being illogically paranoid, she didn't know what I'm about to face in the future. 

One more thing, my mum has this mindset that men shouldn't dry the clothes because they shouldn't touch women's delicates. WHAT THE HECK! What century are you living in mother?! Is this why until now I've never seen my dad do the laundry?

I really hate this situation in my family. I talked to my psychologist about it, she said if I can't change anyone I should change myself. So what was I supposed to do. DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF LIKE MY MOTHER?! 


Friday, November 24, 2017

Family Day

Totally forgot to post about this event, Family Day. 

On the 3rd of September, my dad's side family hold a family day, aka Hari Keluarga. We descended from a family line called Sakag Luwing Lingos, SLL. Luwing and Lingos are my great great grandparents. As some of you know, my dad is from Kota Marudu, a small little town located 2 hours from KK. When he announced that this year, our family day will be held at a resort, I got so excited! I mean RESORT! It's been awhile since I step foot on a resort. 

Breezy beaches or cold mountains, tiny comfortable houses overlooking the beautifully design landscape, and most importantly clean toilet. Oh it made my mouth grinned from end to end. For the first time ever, I got so hyped about dad's side family day. This is because, all those previous hari keluarga were held at some kampung houses.

Dad requested me to bake 2 cakes to bring there. That time we were still staying at platinum apartment. So using the limited space, I managed to whip up 2 beautiful cakes.

As usual, we woke up early and departed early in the morning. Stopped by at Inanam to buy some snacks  for my cousin's children, then headed to Tuaran to have a quick breakfast. By the time we reached Kota Marudu town it was 10am++. We stopped at my cousin Velni's house to drop all the things we've packed for them. Things like clothes, computer chairs, stationery, soft toys, books, bags, shoes and my brother's smelly mattress. Yes, our hilux was fully loaded. 

Unfortunately cousin Velni was not around, she'd been to Ranau with her friends. Only her children and her husband were at home. I've mentioned before in my previous post, my cousin Velni, who is only 9 years older than me, has 6 children. The eldest is already 14, and she's as tall as me, she looks just like her mother. After that, 4 of the eldest children followed us to the family day event. They sit at the back.

It was quite a long journey from the town, dad kept getting whatsapp messages and calls from his relatives. He was thrilled, I got exhilarated as well as I couldn't wait to see this so called resort. I never knew Kota Marudu has any resort. We got lost in the middle of somewhere. I really don't know what's wrong with my father, he's one of the committee member and yet couldn't even locate the place.

After awhile of futile searching and frustrations, he decided to ask for direction. It turned out, we were at the wrong junction. 

After many wrong turns, we finally got to our destination.

Tada! This is our long anticipated "RESORT". 

Mum already warned me not to expect too much of a kampung style resort. But it never came across my mind that THIS open air dewan with zinc atap was our meeting place. I was so bummed. Seriously dad? I think you need to change the definition of resort in your dictionary. We later found out that this is actually a taman rekreasi, NOT A DAMN RESORT. There was a river on the right side of this photo, some of the relatives were having a whale of time there. 

This is the cooking area. As I was informed, one kerbau was potong to make our lunch.

While waiting for our lunch, we took photos with my 2 aunts. The one in blue is my youngest aunt, the one in black is my oldest aunt. The second aunt doesn't get along with them, so I rarely see her, well to be fair, I rarely see any of them. Hence till now, I still don't know their names. Couldn't even recognize my youngest aunt.

Dad and the committee member who failed terribly at organizing this event, I'll tell you more on that.

Finally, 放饭咯!As you guess it, all beef. 

The gong.

On the left, mocha cake with chocolate whipped cream and dark chocolate ganache drizzle.
On the right, butter walnut cake with same icing. 

The elderlies get to cut my cakes. That lady with purple hat was NOT one of our relative member. She just crashed the party and even took the present home! Me no likey her. 
No wonder she kept hiding her face with that hat.

So these are my relatives whom I never met or talk to. There were about 100 people before, but many left after the lunch. You know lah orang kampung, sudah makan, sapu pantat bye bye. Thanks to the man in blue colour shirt in the middle, our family day event had an emcee to conduct the flow of the programme.

So let me tell you why was this family day was a huge failure. 
Firstly the venue itself. I think the photo was pretty much self-explanatory. Plus it was too far away, it was located somewhere in the middle of the jungle. Many relatives had trouble going there. 

Secondly, the committee member. When we reached there, we all just sat down doing nothing while fanning ourselves. That zinc atap trapped all the heat from the scorching sun. It was about noon time, lunch was not ready yet. All the kampung folks were hungry. NONE of the committee member did anything about this, including my dad. 

So after awhile, my dad's cousin/my uncle, the guy in the blue jeans shirt in the above photo who just arrived from KK couldn't watch this anymore. He volunteered himself and took charge of the event. He became the emcee. He's not part of the committee member. So instead of letting us waiting hungrily, he asked us to introduce ourselves, one family line at a time. So we did. 

This is from our family line. I've never seen 90% of them.

Little did we know that some of these relatives were very talkative. One family has 1 representative to introduce the entire family. Some of these uncles/grand-uncles got a tad hyped. They talked about each of their children (imagine they have 10 children), where they are working, how many grandkids he has, how old each one of them and so on. The list seemed never ending. It got boring. So my blue shirt uncle had to cut short of the introducing session and told them to just introduce those who were present.

Thirdly, time management. Because there was no one there smart enough(except for my blue shirt uncle) to realize that there was no emcee present. We wasted 2 hour waiting doing nothing. No introduction or entertainment whatsoever. So we ended up pretty late at about 4pm. People are leaving already because of the rain. There were a lot of things could have been done during that wasted time. For example, telling us the purpose of this event, introducing us to our great great grand parents, and who are we to each other. Nope. 

Also our lunch was late. Everyone was hungry. I was hangry.

My stupid dad blamed everything on the missing emcee. He said the supposed guy didn't show up. So I said yea, then why didn't you do something about it? Instead of finding a new emcee or BE the emcee yourself, you were there busy sittin, chillin, chattin with your bunch of useless committee members on the stage. I was already deeply enraged upon seeing the venue and also hungry.  Don't blame your incompetency on some other guy. You are one of the committee member, you should do something about it instead of busy catching up with your relatives. None of us can speak dusun, you speak dusun, you communicate with them.

You know what, I couldn't believe they elected him as the vice president of the committee member for 2018/2019 family day.


You know for the past year, my dad always went to Kota Marudu for his so called family day meeting. So much time and effort spent, yet this was what turned out to be. No organizations at all. Complete disaster. Where are all the planning? What do they talk about during the meeting? They didn't even have a banner. Where was the money used? My dad even said something which made me wanna bum my head on the wall. He said we should print the family tree on the banner next time. What for you wanna print the family tree?! It was already printed on A4 size papers with so many pages because each family has so many children. What you need to print is a big family photo with big big words like "HARI KELUARGA SLL 2017 "

All in all, this family day was nothing but a huge disappointment. I've seen so many successful family day with at least a printed banner. Sadly ours is just not one of em'. Let's hope that the newly elected younger members will gather their kampung brains together and figure out how to improve our next gathering. Seriously don't rely on those older generation members. They only know how to talk cock.

4pm++ we left. It was raining heavily. Some of our relatives who tumpang our car got soaked wet on their way home. We were met with jammed traffic on our way back. I think by the time we reached KK it was already 8pm. We were utterly famished. So we settled our dinner at Lido. We always dine at Lido cause there were so many food choices there. 

And that ends our tiring day.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Limited Part 2

Originally this post was meant to be a second part about my limited resources, however today's incident hit me right through the soul, and it fits the title perfectly - limited.

Few months ago, I found a little mountain protruding out of my back neck, I consulted the doctor at the dermatologist, she said it was an infection and I was given antibiotic, kurang bengkak and tahan sakit. It disappeared after a week, but I can still feel there's something underneath my skin. Since it didn't give me any trouble I ignored it.

Before I went to China, the mountain came back again and it's more painful than before. Hence I went to the clinic. The doctor said it's a boil or bisul in Malay. I was given the same medication. Disappeared after a week.

Few days ago, the boil got swollen for the third time and this time, 2 more boils surfaced and my finger also got swollen. Mum and I got really worried, we went to the emergency at QE. I told the female malay doctor everything about it. 

You know what's her reply?
She said she can only give me the same thing, antibiotic, pain killer and anti swelling. Her cold unsympathetic look made the situation even worse.

I told her again, I've taken it before, it obviously didn't help. This is the THIRD time for F sake. I told her I need a surgery to remove the tumour thing growing inside my neck.

She said the surgery department won't accept me. She said I don't have any fever, my neck only swells a little bit, and there is no pus (脓). I was shocked to hear that.

So do you mean I need to wait until the thing grow into the size of a golf ball, with pus oozing out everywhere and I get high fever, then you will remove that thing from my neck? I was so effing pissed and frustrated and started to break down.

I asked her, so what if it comes back for the fourth time? Fifth time? 
Then her answer infuriates me to the max.

She said, I've met a similar patient like you, was fifth time, I gave him/her the same thing. The surgery department wouldn't accept.

So am I suppose to just leave it like that? The thing IS STILL INSIDE! I asked her again, boiling inside. 

She didn't reply and started prescribing me my medication. Guess what. Same 3 things.
That damn doctor didn't even bother to touch or have a look at my neck.

I was left speechless at that moment, my eyes burned like hell, tears won't stop dropping.

Looking at the medications, I felt a strong sense of hopelessness. Suddenly I felt so small, I felt so weak, I am a mere human.  I couldn't let my mum take me to the private hospital, even a minor surgery could cost thousands. I couldn't let that happen.

At this point, nothing could help me anymore. Medication is limited, human power is limited. So God came across my mind. 

For the first time in ever, I sit down quietly and deliberately prayed for His hand of healings. . For I have lost faith in human, I didn't know where to look for. I have a debate with myself before, there's no such thing as 100% faith, even when human get sick, we still need to see doctors and medication. For me, seeing a doctor is putting 50% faith on human and the rest on God. So if his power is so almighty, let this sickness prove me wrong. I need a strong testimony to prove that. 

Please pray for me. Let this tumour growing inside my neck be forever gone and never come back.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Limited Part 1

I was inspired to write this post back in July/August when we were staying at the apartment. I was procrastinating cause when I have to write a post, firstly I need to be inspired, secondly I need to sit up straight right in front of the computer, I can't do it using my phone, I hate typing with phone although you can practically do anything with it. Bigger important things like email, buying air tickets, or any money transactions, I would prefer using a computer or laptop with huge bright screen and keyboard. Oh and thirdly, my brother is watching the tv, so the tv territory is occupied. 

Back to our story, in platinum apartment, everything was limited. Let's start with the space shall we. I'd mentioned this in my previous post in chinese, but I'm gonna mention it again - it's freaking damn SMALL.

Some people have no trouble living in an apartment, but we did. Most probably we already get used to bigger area.

I'll let the pictures do the talking.

Tada! Welcome to our home. This is my dad's stepsister's house. Since she's not in KK, so she offered to let us stay here. Thank God for this temporary house, plus it was so near to our house. Or else we needed to rent. It was a total mess as you can see. Because the drying area was too small, we had to make a temporary hanging thing for the clothes to be dried. The two rooms were occupied by my step-aunt's stuff. My mom and dad slept in the master bedroom, the only room with air-conditioning, hence the 2 mattresses on the floor. So this is our living room cum bedroom cum dining area.

This was where we cooked for almost 2 months. It was torture I tell ya. There was only 1 gas stove. So we can only cook 1 dish at a time. My mum and I always bumped into each other. That's the door leading to the drying area. It couldn't be opened completely due to the storage stand you see there. Oh can you see the small refrigerator covered with white cloth? It was a headache as well. As a baker, I have lots of things needed to be refrigerated. So every day, we need to rearrange everything, and we cannot stock up on our food or ingredients. Must be finished after every meal, and sometimes we didn't. You understand my pain now?

Every time we took bath, water splashed every where. The tissue was soaked in water.

The small drying area I mentioned earlier. The ventilation of this apartment was really bad. No direct sunlight and very humid. How were we supposed to dry all those thick clothes and jeans?

1 more thing also limited, parking space. Each house was only given 1 parking lot. So what happened to our second car? Thank God Hallelujah Jesus Christ, we got a free non-occupant parking near to our unit. 

Apart from the limited space, we also had to bear with limited data. My dad likes to watch videos, in fact ever since he got his smart phone, he never watch tv anymore. He didn't have a plan, my mum's 1.5g data obviously not enough for him to share with. Therefore, my brother had to sign up for a plan. Not enough, I signed up with a plan as well. Still not enough. Had to ask him to watch less videos. With so many things to watch on the web, there will never be enough.

So yea, through this experience, I learned about limits. It's like going back to year 2007 again when  mum first signed up the cheapest wifi plan, it was only RM77. That time there was only 2 hours per day. So my brother and I made a deal, 1 hour for him, 1 hour for me. And surprisingly, we adhered to that deal very strictly. My goodness, we were so good back then. If now, I don't know how to live with 1 hour wifi a day. There's a saying that goes like this, people nowadays breathe wifi. Couldn't agree more.

Anyhow, it is only when we are limited that we start to be grateful. Hence, I thank God that now we are no longer confined to limited space or internet data usage. Praise the Lord Hallelujah!

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Sense of Belonging

Woah, it's been 3 months since I've updated this blog. 

Couldn't fall asleep, damn brain, hence I'm writing this now, hopefully I'll be able to sleep after expressing all my inner thoughts through words.

This year, I conquered my fear of going out and meet people. I made myself active by joining toastmasters and dancing. I thought I would be happy. For a while, I did. And then my damn brain started to become depressed again.

Looking at pictures of a group of happy people together makes me feel lonely. In toastmasters, I felt happy. But certain times, these aunties will have their own outing or yam cha, without me. 

Then, I looked at pictures of my dancing school mates. They were so cheerful together with their vibrant dancing costumes and makeups. I was not part of it. 

Both situations are the same. These 2 bunch of people have been together for a long long time. I feel like I couldn't fit in, just like old days again. The first group is a bunch of aunties, most of them in their 50s or 60s.I knew some of these aunties' children. Some of them have become grandparents. Obviously I'm not in the same generation with them. Along the journey, I've met a lot of toastmasters from other club. Some clubs have very young people and I can see these bunch of young adults were having so much fun together. I started to wonder, did I join the wrong club? 

As for the dancing school, it's exactly the opposite. Too young. These youngster have been training for years, they are very much close to each other. They train day and night together, they join competition together, they travel together, they pretty much did everything and share everything together. It's impossible for me to break through that strong bond and be with them. I'm a young adult, ergo I join the adult group. The adult group consist of a 60 year old grandma and a couple in their 40s. I only mentioned these 3 people because they are very consistent, I've been dancing with them for about a year. What about the rest? Previously there were a few youngsters as well, but because of the lousy system the school has, they left. I think it is only a matter of time that I too, leave this school. 

Here's the reason, whenever there are newbies coming in, the teacher will teach them, so what happened to us? We follow them. Learn from the beginning, learn the basics. I've seen so many youngsters left because they find that they are not learning anything new anymore. They are 2 teachers, but the older one would let the younger one do all the work. Supposedly the old one can teach the newbies and younger one teach us, the already more advanced group. But she mostly do administrative work.For me, I think it is a vicious cycle. As long as they are newbies coming in, there's no way the young adult group can learn much. I guess that's why the principal doesn't pay much attention to the adult group. He knew that people would come and go. Unlike his younger students which he teaches in a group. 

Lemme tell you about these aunties who came to join us. Some of them are complete Kaki Bangku. Means cannot dance at all in BM. Seriously, I'm not kidding. They can't even remember the steps, let alone dance with the music. It's impossible I tell you. 

And now, to make the situation worst, my favorite younger teacher is not going to teach us anymore. She's going to pursue her studies. With only 1 teacher left, how am I going to learn anything? I got so depressed and cried nonstop when I found out about this. Coz I know I'll be missing a really good and dedicated and patient and passionate about dancing teacher.

I'm joining the solo event for my dancing competition, it is coming very soon, and so far I've been on my own, literally solo. Do you know why I don't have a partner? Because the couple refused to partner with each other, so my fav teacher who was supposed to be MY partner, became their partner, both! Today during dance practice, no one was there to teach me. I was literally dancing SOLO. The couple had her for the whole class.

I got so mad, frustrated and then depressed again. No one knows the anxiety inside me starting to build up like a mountain. I'm a newbie and my chance of winning is very low, I guess that's why no one cared to pay attention to me. Seriously, like in 2 weeks! I haven't even mastered my routine. I don't even know how to balance myself because of the damn heels. 

I'm not a part of the aunties nor the bunch of young talents. I'm a young adult who longs for the same level companionship which I never get. All my peers have their own friends. I don't. But still I thank God that at least there is one friend who would ask me out when she's in town. She's going back to UK for her graduation. I thought I've gotten past through the graduation sadness, apparently not. Every time I see my friends graduate, my heart still aches. I thought I would feel nothing when I see my friends happily receiving their degrees, flowers and congratulatory notes, I'm not. Deep down, I still wish that I was the one standing there. 

Confession of a depressed young adult.